We met
her ,at the start of the year
while on a leisurely stroll in a very remote
Rajasthan village one late evening. It was only
half an hour since we witnessed an amazing sunset from a hill top
and by the time we came to this part of
the road it was nearly dark . The
glow of lamps emanating from the scattered huts on
both sides of the road filled the
atmosphere with serenity and warmth. As we got closer, her bright red and
yellow saree with sequences all over, appeared sparkling and the bangles
on her hands tingled when she walked.. But she was crying. Her weeping came out as a mismatch to
the ambiance that we were trying to absorb . The village guide translated. She
happened to be just one of many sorrows deeply buried under this
seemingly peaceful village. Her husband had again hit her under the influence of
alcohol and it was a regular issue for the past 20 yrs , started not
long after her marriage to this man. There were marks on her hand
and a red swelling on her face and to my remark on why
she is suffering and living with him ,the village guide replied
.”in our culture once married you can’t leave no matter what happens and she
has to accept that this as her destiny”.. .
Back , here
in Sydney a month ago while talking to a friend she said . “
he hit her again and what can she do.. After all he is her husband “My
friend was referring to an educated Malayali woman who works here . I
thought what is the difference after all between that illiterate rural
Rajasthani woman and this educated Sydney Malayali woman when it comes to
domestic violence, …
A friend
while discussing this issue, said “ The most important reason that a
woman won’t leave a violent relationship is her fear of the unknown”….the
fear of the unknown of the world out there which Is not familiar to her . the
fear of what happens to her children once she leaves, the fear of how society will
view her ,,the fear of
how she will live without a male support…,the endless fear of unknowns…In her life she
now knows how to
live with someone who abuses her , she knows the influences the abuser has on
her, the control he exerts on her life, and this in a way has given
her a comfort zone, even though her comfort zone is least comfortable as
it colors her daily life with different form of abuse, …
A common
response that I hear from friends and family is telling
the victim to continue the relationship
for the sake of her children . But is she really doing a favour to
their children by keeping the marriage in place ? Ever thought what
might be the impact of this violence on these silent , forgotten ,
unintended victims called children ? Research has suggested that there is high
possibility that the children may exhibit attitude and behaviour which reflect their own
experience of being witness
to violence in their home to justify their own use of violence . Also
it is a sad reality that boys who witness domestic violence are
more likely to approve of violence in their
adult intimate relationship.
I still remember the call I received a year ago
from an Indian girl aged 25 . She rang me after a Facebook friend
of mine suggested her to ring me.. Within a few months here in
Australia her husband started beating her. She didn’t know anyone here
nor the system . One day when he threatened to kill her she ran
away . When she rang me, she was in a
women’s shelter which supports victims of domestic violence .
She told me that after every beating ,
the next morning her husband would be very apologetic and
promise her that he would never repeat it ,only to repeat it all over
again when he gets home later that night . She choose to believe
him, hoping he would change one day..
The Social pride, feeling of guilt and concern for her
children often force the woman to be a silent victim which
encourages the perpetrator to continue
the behavior the way he likes...Thus spiritual retreats
and prayer programs have become the only venue which most
victims seek for help. It indeed supports but this support alone is not complete
if the victim chooses to ignore the fact that her
partner/ husband who beats her is psychologically sick and needs professional help.
Let us all not forget that we have a choice …a
choice to stay in an abusive relationship , or a choice to separate from an
abusive relationship…even a choice to take a small separation to get things into perspective .What ever the choice
is ,the first step is to seek help . There are professional people and services
around and everyone here has the option to accept help. I think
this is the biggest difference between my poor Rajasthani woman and the
educated Malayali woman in Sydney, that the Sydney woman has choice
to accept help for the sake of her children, her own wellbeing and dignity.
Let me tell you dear friend out there , please do not be afraid of change, afraid of the
unknown, you are holding on to your emotions too long fearing that you will
collapse if u let it go, but you won’t . Every change is leading to a new
beginning and never forget “ your life does not get better by chance, it
gets better by change “
